Vela on Valentines?

The Singles’ Survival Guide to Valentine’s Day

Gitika Naik, Class of 2021

It hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year when it comes to love. Halfway through the shortest month, its 14th February — Valentines Day, and you have no clue what to do. Your roommate has sexiled you, and your friends have caught the earliest shuttle to Jahangirpuri. You are left all alone on campus to hashtag the skies and inhale the smog. Fret not, fellow single person, because I have compiled a comprehensive list of things to do this Valentine’s day.

1. Go to church: Before those sickly, cutesy people who claim to be in love monopolised Valentine’s day, it was actually the feast of the martyrdom of St. Valentine. He actually sacrificed his life for love. Maybe celebrating his martyrdom would give you a boo for next valentine’s day.
2. A lonely heart’s best friend — Carbs: Give a call to Kuldeep bhaiyya (I know he’s on your speed dial) or THC (because sometimes expensive food is worth it) and gorge on those delicious and buttery paneer paranthas or/and the Nutella brownie with all the added extra toppings. You can worry about the calories, high blood pressure and cholesterol when you are 40 and still single but for now, chomp your way through loneliness.
3. If not Valentine then Valen-wine: Fermented grapes and malted barley (if that is not your thing, try a sugary shake or the good-old soft drink punch) are excellent companions of a lonely heart. Plus the bottles can double as microphones when doing impromptu and solo renditions of Drunk in Love by Beyonce.
4. BYOB-Build Your Own BAE: After all, self-help is the best help. Wink, wink. With the progress of technology and the success of Pinterest DIYs, I am sure you will find instructions on how to build the perfect soul mate. Someone who has the charm and wit of your favourite fictional character, the looks of the celebrity you oggle and is utterly smitten with you.
5. Startling Realisations: The ample fundraising events try to make us believe that this super special day is carved out just for love. But don’t fall for any of it! The 24 hours shall pass and life will go on. Remember that those early morning lectures are still going to happen and all the fests are right around the corner. So, go do your assignments and make sure you contact all the last-minute vendors/artists. Because you have the rest of your life to fret about being single on Valentine’s day.

The author is a Staff Writer for the Arts and Culture section of The Edict